Cuffed n Stuffed at 45G: From traffic violation to jail

installment 1 of 3 

How to Get Arrested in 3 Easy Steps

Right from the comfort of your own home!

  

Step 1	Lose the traffic violation ticket you received when The Man pinched you for riding dirty.  Assume “riding dirty” means driving an unregistered motor vehicle that also lacks insurance.  I wasn’t running heroin or anything.
Step 2	Lose the court summons you received for not paying and not responding to the ticket.  Suddenly remember the court summons and court date, and mark it on your calendar.
Step 3	On court day, decide “Ah, you know what?  Fuck it.  I just don’t feel like going.  They can send me a bill.”  Yawn.  Spend morning curled up with Cherry Garcia and watch a Teen Mom 3 marathon.  Doze off in the afternoon, wake up to banging on the door.

I’m usually more cooperative; however my out-of-town mother tends to use the local police department as her personal message delivery service.  The last time the fuzz arrived, it took ten minutes of knocking and partial entry through the back door to get my attention.  (I have a standard zero tolerance policy for unannounced visitors.  If I’m not expecting you, don’t come over.)

Transcript from my police-delivered phone message

So, that happened. True story.  You may have already guessed I live in a small town.  We got our first and only traffic light a few years back when the new supermarket opened.  It’s that small.  Coupled with my domineering mother’s unearthly power of strong persuasion tactics and the tenacity of a pit-bull, it’s only natural the police would need to fill in as my personal assistant from time to time.  I mean, it’s their job, right?   To serve?  That’s why we pay them.  To serve.  OK fine, yeah - also to protect.  OK maybe serve does not mean serve you your messages.  Whatever.

Of course I remember that day.  My eleven year old car has an inspection sticker from 2010, and the brakes were so soft I should not have been driving it at all but, the emergency brake still worked and well… it was an emergency.  I needed ciggies, bad.  Out pulls the cruiser behind me.  Fuck!  Like any human, my flight or fight instinct is strong.  

Got a siren on my tail and that ain't the fight I'm lookin for

I considered outrunning the piggie, but quickly dismissed it as a bad idea. The odds were against me. A high speed chase with the police couldn’t end well with no brakes.  I e-braked my way to the side of the road and played stunned citizen. 

He informed me my insurance had expired and in turn my registration had been suspended.   I looked surprised and shocked.  He called the tow truck and came back with my ticket.  When I saw criminal offense checked, I became elated.  Really!  Im a criminal! A CRIMINAL!  ME!! AWESOME!  Ive never been a criminal before!  

It wasn’t until the cop dropped me off at home did I realize the 4 packs of butts I just bought were still in my car.  Shitballs.

It ain't easy being me.

to be continued...