I'm Sorry You Feel That Way - The Non-Apology

We all know someone who apologizes for everything, all of the time.  If you don't, you are probably thinking "I am sorry.  I don't know anyone like that."

Stop feeling guilty and apologetic for shit you didn't do.  Go cold turkey.  Never apologize.  Never say you’re sorry.  If you feel yourself saying “Im sorry” say “I’m sorry you feel that way.”  Isn’t that cool?  You’re apologizing for nothing.  You’re accepting no blame.

Here is an example:

“When you don’t answer the phone, it frustrates me.”

The typical response may be to blame yourself and promise to do better.  “Oh I’m sorry!  I’ll try to always have my phone on me in case you call.  I didn’t mean to miss your call, I’m sorry.”

Instead, when you feel yourself begin to apologize, just keep going and add on “… you feel that way.”

“When you don’t answer the phone, it frustrates me.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way.”

See?  You did not apologize for not answering the phone.  You did not set the future expectation that you are to jump when his call comes in.  You simply expressed sympathy for his frustration, while also subtly saying “I’m not changing myself for you.  Your feelings are your problem.”  

Personally, I take it too far and push back.  The Brooke Jones response is more like “Hey what’s up Velcro, smother much?”

When you say “I’m sorry you feel that way,” it deflects the emotion they are trying to give you right back at them.  Block it.  It is their frustration - let them keep it. 

When you go the “I’ll do better” route you are absorbing their frustration and taking it on in the form of

No one is perfect, so why
are you apologizing for it?

guilt and remorse.  They feel better when you apologize and repent, right?  And you feel like a shitbag for not answering the call.  

That is because you just sucked up all of their negative energy and chose to bear it’s burden yourself, to make the other feel better.

Stop.  Just Stop It.

This blog was inspired by Nia, unfortunately I know way too many people who feel sorry about everything a lot of the time. 

In business,  I took note that male superiors never, ever apologized.  They never said sorry.  Since I wanted up that corporate ladder, "I'm sorry" had to cease it's existence in my vocabulary.    I replaced it with "I am sorry you feel that way."  

For the record, I did in fact climb that ladder.



I would love to hear of your experiences of retaining your power by deflecting with "I'm sorry you feel that way."



Dig it.