I'm Sorry You Feel That Way - The Non-Apology

We all know someone who apologizes for everything, all of the time.  If you don't, you are probably thinking "I am sorry.  I don't know anyone like that."

Stop feeling guilty and apologetic for shit you didn't do.  Go cold turkey.  Never apologize.  Never say you’re sorry.  If you feel yourself saying “Im sorry” say “I’m sorry you feel that way.”  Isn’t that cool?  You’re apologizing for nothing.  You’re accepting no blame.

Here is an example:

“When you don’t answer the phone, it frustrates me.”

The typical response may be to blame yourself and promise to do better.  “Oh I’m sorry!  I’ll try to always have my phone on me in case you call.  I didn’t mean to miss your call, I’m sorry.”

Instead, when you feel yourself begin to apologize, just keep going and add on “… you feel that way.”

“When you don’t answer the phone, it frustrates me.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way.”

See?  You did not apologize for not answering the phone.  You did not set the future expectation that you are to jump when his call comes in.  You simply expressed sympathy for his frustration, while also subtly saying “I’m not changing myself for you.  Your feelings are your problem.”  

Personally, I take it too far and push back.  The Brooke Jones response is more like “Hey what’s up Velcro, smother much?”

When you say “I’m sorry you feel that way,” it deflects the emotion they are trying to give you right back at them.  Block it.  It is their frustration - let them keep it. 

When you go the “I’ll do better” route you are absorbing their frustration and taking it on in the form of

No one is perfect, so why
are you apologizing for it?

guilt and remorse.  They feel better when you apologize and repent, right?  And you feel like a shitbag for not answering the call.  

That is because you just sucked up all of their negative energy and chose to bear it’s burden yourself, to make the other feel better.

Stop.  Just Stop It.

This blog was inspired by Nia, unfortunately I know way too many people who feel sorry about everything a lot of the time. 

In business,  I took note that male superiors never, ever apologized.  They never said sorry.  Since I wanted up that corporate ladder, "I'm sorry" had to cease it's existence in my vocabulary.    I replaced it with "I am sorry you feel that way."  

For the record, I did in fact climb that ladder.



I would love to hear of your experiences of retaining your power by deflecting with "I'm sorry you feel that way."



Dig it.

Where the Fuck are the Tweezers?!?

Bubba is holding his paw up.  I realize he’s gotten a glass splinter from the glass I dropped last week.  I swept and mopped the area, then got a couple splinters myself. Meant to mop thoroughly but, forgot until just now.

I have at least five pairs of tweezers somewhere in the house.  I have been walking around in circles for days looking for them because my face is so hairy.  Bubba’s injured paw causes me to look again.

I look in the hall closet – what a mess!  I should put all of these cleaner bottles in one basket.  A basket with a handle, like the hotel maids have.  Brilliant!  Pull out all cleaners and put them in the hallway to remind me to get a basket.

I look under the bathroom sink – OMG it is WET!  I must have a leak?  Pull half of the stuff out, then leave it all over the bathroom floor when I realize Im supposed to be looking for tweezers.  Stay on task Jones.

Go into the office/guest room/storage room.  Hey!  That is exactly what I have been looking for!  A bill sorter!  Yay Laura!  I can cross that off my list.  I’ll go sort my mail right now so it’s done.

Oh – I wanted to see if I could find those Lowes gift cards I have somewhere….  Hey!  Here’s the photos from the Turks and Caicos!  OMG so funny, I should make Laura a collage.  Flip through 3 rolls and pull out the photos for the collage.  Stack them neatly on top of the corner-pile on my desk.

Bubba limps in….  shit.  Tweezers.  Right.  Maybe they are in this suitcase?  Nope, its empty.  Oh!  Yay!  This basket would be perfect for the cleaning supplies… dump the contents on the floor - then reject it because it doesn’t have a handle.

I can’t find tweezers.  I’ve looked for days.  I’ll bring the bill sorter out and do that.  Place it on the stove.  Oh I could use some coffee…dump the old coffee.  Hey how bout some tunes?  Park it in front of the PC to select a playlist.

Yes that’s better.  Now, what was I doing?  I don’t know…  I need to sort all these to do lists, I know!  I’ll make an excel spreadsheet.  What should the column headers be?  GAWD I’m so bored!  I hate this!  Stare at the ceiling for 5 minutes and space out.

I need to fold that laundry in the dryer from last week…  yawn.  Its so nice out!  I should take Bubba to the dog park…  crap.  He’s on 3 legs.  Glass splinter.  Mop the floors. NOW.

I’ll just check my email first….  Oh I have those 150.00 Target gift cards!  Look for a small desk at target.com… wait stop, finish that order on sallybeauty.com for the notching shears.  Go get credit card, focus focus focus just finish one thing, just one thing.  Omg I love this song!  Space out for another 5 minutes, hating myself and my life because I can’t get a flipping thing done….  Tell myself to start a diary and list daily achievements for moments like these…  I should also put food, sleep, and emotional state in there… oh meds too…  I think I have a blank journal somewhere in the office… oh fuck it.  This place is a mess, I will never find it.   It’s too damn much.  

I’m such a loser. Poor Bubba.  I’m such a bad Mommy.